How to get the back you've never wanted
I think I’ve spotted a gap in the market for fitness equipment. The revelation came to me this morning as I completed a two-hour stint in the garden, double-digging a couple of hundredweight of horse manure into our impoverished flowerbeds. What the gym addicts of this country need is a digging machine. After all, what other piece of kit could fully stretch, pummel and – let’s be honest – comprehensively wreck so many muscles at one time?
True, there are cross-trainers, treadmills, rowers, not to mention the whole panoply of resistance machines, but these take such a piddling approach to hurting you. No. Today’s serious fitness freak deserves more. So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you: the SpadeMaster.
The SpadeMaster heralds a new era in body conditioning technology. Its principal focus is the muscles of the back, particularly the lower back, so often ignored by more conventional machines. But it also devotes attention to other important muscle groups in the arms and legs.
Note the exercise programme settings options on the LCD control panel. How severe a workout do you want? You can opt for light, sandy, well drained soil: really only a beginner’s choice. Or, if you feel you need a more, how shall we say, demanding session, there are a number of settings to test even the most cardio-vascularly efficient body. Perhaps you’d like to try your hand at frozen clay. Or waterlogged peat. How about root-infested topsoil laid over hardcore? And for that unmistakeable, jarring impact, just touch the ‘half-brick-at-a-click’ icon. In early ‘field’ trials, users reported a satisfyingly juddering shock reaching from the ankle right up to the shoulder.
Using the principles of hydraulic resistance and some recently rediscovered techniques from the Office of the Inquisition, the SpadeMaster has been finely calibrated to do the greatest damage to your muscles using the maximum amount of your energy. The carbon-fibre boots anchoring you to the baseplate have been precision-engineered to produce unsustainable forces on your thigh muscles (and to rub agonisingly on your heels after a scant ten minutes). The adjustable telescopic shaft is precisely 15 cm too short, wherever you set your height on the dial. And, for that ultimate ‘real world’ feel, the handle is finished in a rewardingly smooth plastic, creating blisters almost before your workout has begun.
In order to replicate the authentic digging experience, the SpadeMaster has a built-in timer. Your minimum workout is 90 minutes although the alarm light has been programmed not to come on for a further 45 minutes, ensuring you’ll ‘feel the burn’ even at the entry level. However, we recommend that you begin with at least two hours, and remember not to stop for a break until it’s far, far too late.
Should your tastes extend to even greater verisimilitude, look no further than the SpadeMaster 3000 XL. In addition to the basic workout programmes and controls, the SpadeMaster 3000 XL provides a 3600 panoramic virtual reality workout environment. You can set the SpadeVision™ ergonomically designed headset for Sissinghurst, Gertrude Jekyll, Holland Park or Uncle Fred’s allotment. The Bluetooth-enabled wireless earphones enhance your routine with the clang of steel on flint, whilst the state-of-the-art nasal implants bring horse manure, rotting compost and, of course, part-buried catshit direct to your olfactory nerves.
All in all, the SpadeMaster – in both standard and 3000 XL variants – represents a dramatic leap forward in fitness technology. Look pityingly on your co-workers-out as they strain to achieve perfection. Dressed in a pair of old cords, a check shirt with a frayed ‘granddad’ collar, and your Nike Air Titchmarshes, you’ll draw nothing but envious glances. Accept their compliments as, one-by-one, the large sheets of muscle holding your back together go into spasm, leaving you with that ‘impossible-to-achieve’ spinal curvature gracing the covers of so many magazines. Listen, that’s Men’s Osteopathy calling your mobile.
